american beauty

I just watched a film called “Lars and the Girl” or something like that and it moved me so deeply probably because I could relate to the slightly bent but very real main character’s dilemma. After all this time in my life, I’m still struggling with things that friends appear to have worked through and come to peace with, and at moments like these I wish I could be like one of those Hollywood film characters that always end up with an enlightened, happy ending. But then maybe my whole life is an amazing success I can’t see or feel or that I judge inaccurately. I suspect I’m just lonely and reaping what I’ve sown for my entire life. Good, if so. Life is a balance of opposing forces, isn’t it, and for as much and often as I am at peace and happy, I am equally in conflict and tormented. My understanding of life is never just one thing or another at any moment; it’s always some complex recipe of things and I grow weary of the smiles I pantomime.

Right now, I wish I could be a Hollywood happy ending.